Harley and Ivy
by The Uncanny R-Man
Summary: Harley and Ivy go legit and move in together. Wackiness ensues. COMPLETE. Plz R&R.
1. The One Where Harley and Ivy Go To An Ar

**Harley and Ivy**

**Chapter 1: The One Where Harley and Ivy Go To An Art Show**

**By**

**The Uncanny R-Man**

_Disclaimer- I don't own anything, all familiar characters belong to DC._

_Notes- Having written several fics of different DC cartoons (Teen Titans and Justice League), I thought it was about time that I did something for Batman. So, here it is, the adventures of the best female comedy double act since... ever... Harley and Ivy! This was going to be a general femslash romantic comedy but I decided to go for the regular comedy hikinx that we know and love Harley for. Also, this is based on an episode of Johnny Bravo, I forget which one._

* * *

**Gotham City-**

Harley Quinn was vegetating in front of the TV watching Saturday morning cartoons. Having recently become fed up of being repeatedly caught by Batman and other miscellaneous good guys, Harley decided to give up a life of crime and move in with her friend and sometimes partner in crime, Poison Ivy. Ivy was initially wary of sharing an apartment with the ditz but soon grew to like it. Heck, what's not to like about a blonde with a, literally, killer sense of humour?

Harley didn't even look up from the TV screen when Ivy walked in with the morning's groceries.

'Harley, I'm home.' The redhead called.

No answer, Harley was still gazing at the TV screen.

'I've brought nachos.' Ivy said, waving a bag of nachos about. Not even a free bag of cheesy, crunchy corn snacks could snap Harley out of her daze. Ivy just shrugged and bounced the bag off Harley's head.

'Heh.' Harley mumbled. 'Cartoons. Funeee...'

* * *

**Later-**

Harley was still watching the TV but instead of watching cartoons, she was watching the morning news. Harley saw something on the screen and jumped up with a shriek.

'Rd!' She yelled. 'You'd better come see this!'

Ivy, fresh form a shower, ran straight into the room, thinking that Harley had tipped over one of her precious plants.

'What is it Harl?' She asked. 'What's wrong?'

'There'sanartshowdowntown!' Harley babbled. 'Hehavetogo. CanweRed? Huh, canwe? Pleeease?'

'You never seemed the type to be into modern art.' Ivy replied. 'As a matter of fact, you hate modern art.'

'I'm just gonna go to laugh at the art nerds.' Harley shrugged. 'Can you blame a gal?'

'I don't suppose it would hurt.' Ivy replied. 'Besides, the art museum has a nice plant display.'

'Yay!' Harley squealed as she grabbed her roomie in a huge hug. 'ThankyouRed! Thankyouthankyouthankyou!'

Ivy winced slightly at Harley's unusually strong grip.

'Feel free to let me go any time you want.' She wheezed.

Harley let Ivy go and noticed something about her roommate.

'Umm, Red. I dunno if you've noticed but yer kinda naked. I don't think that the art museum'll let you in like that. Now come on, go get dressed.'

Ivy sighed reluctantly as she turned around to go get dressed.

'C'mon Red, scoot!' Harley insisted as she gave her roomie an encouraging pat on the rear.' Those art nerds aren't gonna make fun of themselves.'

* * *

**Gotham Art Gallery-**

After a quick change of clothes, Harley and Ivy both made their way to the free art show. Harley was dressed in a slinky black and red cocktail dress while Ivy was wearing something similar that was green and possibly made out of lettuce leaves.

Harley looked around at the assembled rich Gothamites. One such rich person caught her eye and she let out a squeal of joy.

**'BRUCIE!'**

Bruce Wayne spun around just in time to be knocked to the ground by a blonde blur. Ivy just held her head in her hands and groaned at her friend's behaviour.

'Brucie baby! It's great to see you!' Harley squealed.

'Do I know you?' Bruce replied, trying to hide the fact that he was the one that was repeatedly putting her back into Arkham.

'Of course you do, silly.' Harley replied, ruffling Bruce's hair. 'We know each other from... work.' She said as she winked surreptitiously. 'You know... work?'

'I'm afraid that you may have me confused with somebody else.' Bruce replied as he brushed himself off and got up off the ground. 'Enjoy the art show.'

Harley just pouted indignantly as Bruce turned and walked away.

'Snob.' She mutters.

'Au Derve?' A waiter asked as he walked up with a plate of nibbles.

'No thanks.' Harley replied. 'But I'll have some of those tiny hotdogs you got there.'

The waiter watched aghast as Harley proceeded to stuff herself with miniature hotdogs.

'Mmm, hotdog-y.'

* * *

**Later still-**

While Ivy was perusing the plant-based art exhibits, Harley was trying to discern what the hell the green blobby thing was in front of her.

'Magnificent.' One art snob oozed. 'Such a perfect interpretation of the medium.'

'Most outstanding.' Another art snob said.

'Ooh, scratchy.' Harley said as she scratched her butt on one of the piece's edges.

'Do you mind?' A female art snob asked. 'That is an interpretation of moi, by the artist Jean-Pierre Goitre.'

'Looks like he didn't make you nose wonky enough.' Harley replied.

'How dare you!' The female art snob's companion gasped. 'You are addressing my wife.'

'Oh geez.' Harley winced. 'I feel sorry for you buddy, honestly I do. Ucch.'

Ivy decided to intervene before there was any bloodshed.

'Excuse us juts one moment.' She said. 'My friend here has forgotten to take her... brain medicine.'

Ivy dragged her friend to a secluded corner.

'What the hell do you think you're doing?' She hissed. 'As if it isn't going legit in the first place, you nearly ruin it by glomping Bruce Wayne and pissing up miscellaneous art snobs.'

'Aww chill out, Red.' Harley replied as she put an arm around her friend's shoulders. 'If I'm not gonna make fun of the nerds, who is?'

Ivy just shook her head and dragged Harley into a room where a random arty type was exhibiting their 'interpretation' of art.

'Eggs are life.' She said. 'Everything derives from eggs.'

Then she picked up a sledgehammer and smashed a plate of eggs, splattering yolk everywhere. The audience just 'ooh'd is appreciation. Harley meanwhile, just stared on dumbstruck at the eggy mess on stage.

'What is this chick, nuts? Geez, she makes me look sane!'

Without looking where she was going, Harley walked out of the room, straight into another waiting carrying a plate of shrimp cocktails. They collided with a clatter and a splatter as the shrimp cocktails splattered against the wall, leaving a sauce-coloured stain.

'Who did this to my wall?' The gallery owner asked.

'It was her!' Harley quickly replied as she pointed to a random art snob.

'This is wonderful!' Mister-Gallery-Owner said as he shook the random art snob's hand. 'I will give you five-thousand dollars to make more pieces like this.'

It was almost as if dollar signs lit up in Harley's eyes as she leapt up and pushed the random art snob out the way.

'Nu-uh, it was me!' She said, shaking Mister-Gallery-Owner's hand. 'It would be my pleasure to create such... art for you.'

Ivy looked on dumbstruck as Harley struck a deal to make lots more shrimp cocktail art. Bruce Wayne, who was standing right next to Ivy, was also lost for words.

'What the hell?' They both said.

_TBC..._

_NEXT: Harley begins making her art. Will success change her? What'll happen to Ivy? Will she get jealous when the money starts rolling in? Find out next time in: The One Where Harley Has Fun With Cocktail Sauce!_


	2. The One Where Ivy Has Fun With Cocktail ...

**Harley and Ivy**

**Chapter 2: The One Where Harley Has Fun With Cocktail Sauce**

**By**

**The Uncanny R-Man**

_Disclaimer- I don't own anything, all familiar characters belong to DC._

* * *

_Shout Outs-_

_Randomnimity- Yeah, I've heard of the Gotham Girls web-toon, never seen it though. Don't you worry; Harley and Ivy will get up to lots of fun. _

_Showstopper- You can bet that Brucie will make many more future appearances, in one form or another. (Wink, wink.) _

_Shany94a- Yup, Harley's a loony alright. _

_Agent-G- Harley maybe a ditz but she's not dumb. I love Harley-centric episodes too, they're frickin' nuts._

* * *

**Harley and Ivy's Gotham apartment-**

Ivy walked into the apartment from her trip to the plant store. She looked around to see any sign of her blonde roommate but found none. She sighed in relief, as she would be able to get on with her experiments. Ivy carried her purchases into the spare room that she used as a lab. Unfortunately, the lab was already in use. Harley was submerged upto her neck in a bath tub full of cocktail sauce.

'You're not still making those monstrosities, are you?' Ivy groaned.

'Those ain't monstrosities, Red. They're art' Harley replied as she indicated several of her 'masterpieces' on the wall. There were butt prints, boob prints, finger-painted stick figures and a couple of random blotches where Harley had just thrown buckets of cocktail sauce at a canvas. 'Be a doll and roll out that canvas, would you? I'm gonna make a full body print. I'm thinking of calling it... _The Evolution of Man!_ Cool, non?'

'What has a full-body print with cocktail sauce got to do with evolution?' Ivy asked sceptically.

'Nothin' at all.' Harley replied. 'You gotta give yer work pretentious names if yer gonna be a real _artiste_. Remember that piece called _'The Frailty of Religion'_? That was just a lump of doggie do on an old sneaker.'

'I'll leave you to work.' Ivy sighed as she left the room.

'Bring some nachos in while you're at it.' Harley called after her. 'I need something to dip into this stuff!'

* * *

**Gotham Art Gallery-**

Harley's latest piece was behind a curtain waiting to be unveiled. Harley herself was mingling with the guests. Ivy was there to, damn her loyalty to her best friend!

Ivy was sipping champagne when she heard an all too familiar squeal.

'_BRUCIE!'_

'Oh God, what now?' She groaned, dreading what Harley was up to now.

Sure enough, Harley had her arms wrapped around Bruce Wayne in a rib-breaking hug.

'Hello again Miss... Quinn.' Bruce winced.

Unseen by Harley, Bruce shot a pleading glance at his companions, a certain be-spectacled newspaper journalist and Amazonian princess (Clark Kent and Wonder Woman, for those of you who can't take a hint.)

Clark and Diana just turned their backs to hide their obvious amusement at Bruce's dilemma.

There was a quick flourish of music from the stage and Harley promptly let Bruce go.

'Oops, gotta get going, I've got art to showcase, you know.'

Bruce breathed a sigh of relief as he slowly regained the use of his lungs again.

Up on the stage, Harley was about to introduce her artwork.

'Ladies and gents, let me introduce you to what I like to call _'Rhapsody in Cocktail Sauce...' _

A round of applause rose form the assembled art snobs. Harley smiled madly and gave Ivy a double thumbs-up. Ivy just shook her head in disbelief.

'Don't be shy, c'mon shower me with your love...'

The applause was abruptly shattered by a burst of gunfire from the entrance.

'Geez, everybody's a critic.' Harley sighed.

'Riddle me this... When is a painting not a painting?'

The assembled snobs gasped in horror as the Riddler and a gang of thugs made their way inside.

'You'll have to forgive me for not using my best material but I'm just popping in.' The Riddler said as she scanned the crowd for any worthy pickings. He signalled to the thugs and they went about their business of appropriating stuff that wasn't theirs. 'Kindly deposit any and all wallets, purses, gold, diamonds, credit cards, cell phones, and other miscellaneous pretty things into the bags provided and we will out of your hair before you can say...'

'Hey Eddie, _heads up!_'

'I was going to say, _is that your final answe_...'

The Riddler was cut off in mid-speech as Harley picked up a severing tray and threw it like a discus, hitting the Riddler on the head.

The Riddler rubbed his head and took out a gun from inside his pocket.

'Okay, here's an easy one... What's full of holes and red and...'

_WHAM!_

The Riddler was cut off once more as Ivy swiftly kicked him in the face.

'Survey says... uh, boys?'

The thugs took the signal and leapt in to attack the two women. Harley and Ivy were both ready for the gang of thugs. Harley leapt onto a thug's back and repeatedly bashed him on the head with another serving tray. Ivy cut herself with a small sliver of glass and pressed her wound against a nearby pot plant. The plant reacted to ivy's hybrid blood and started to grow bigger. Roots sprouted out from the pot and grabbed several thugs by the legs. Before the thugs knew what was happening, they had been thrown against the wall by the monstrous plant.

Harley was still battering her thug over the head with the tray.

'Nobody interrupts my art show, understood? Nobody!'

Unfortunately, Harley was so involved with battering the thug that she didn't notice the Riddler approach her with his gun. He was about to shoot her in the back of the head when something zipped past and snatched the gun form his hand.

'Looking for something?' The Flash asked as he twirled the gun around his finger.

The Riddler was about to spout another clicked riddle when...

_PANG!_

Harley hit him upside the head with her serving tray.

'Well that won't be used for serving anymore...' She sighed as she threw the tray over her shoulder. 'Now to get on with my art show...'

'Umm, there's one little problem.' The Flash said as he pointed towards the stage. 'Your stuff got kinda trashed during the fight.'

Harley looked around at the chaos. Wonder Woman was tying up some thugs with her golden lasso while Superman handed the rest over to the police. All this happened amongst the remains of Harley's artwork.

Harley fell to her knees and shook her fists skywards.

'Why God, why? _WHY DO YOU FORSAKE ME LORD?_'

Then, out of the silence, a slow clap started. Harley slowly stood up and looked about her. The remaining art snobs were applauding her.

'Oh such wonderful performance art.'

'I must get her to do that in my Star City Gallery.'

'No, Metropolis.'

'You like me.' Harley beamed. 'You really like me!'

'I will give you two million dollars to take your performance art around the country.' The gallery owner said.

'Cha-Ching!' Harley replied as she pumped the gallery owner's hand up and down. 'You got yourself a deal, Mister Gallery Owner Guy!'

Ivy just shook her head and cursed the day she befriended Harley Quinn...

END...

* * *

_Next: The One With The Boobies._

_Harley begins her art tour. Ivy tags along too. First stop, Star City. Guest starring... The Green Arrow!_


	3. The One With The Boobies

**Harley and Ivy**

**Chapter 3: The One With The Boobies**

**By**

**The Uncanny R-Man**

_Disclaimer- I don't own anything, all familiar characters belong to DC._

* * *

_Shout Outs-_

_Shany94a- That 'WHY DO YOU FORSAKE ME LORD?' line wasn't meant for make Harley seem religious, she was just going Charlton Heston-y._

_Showstopper- Yup, I'm gonna have the girls hit Central City and Metropolis too. Maybe a few more cities with resident superheroes (coughJumpCitycough.)_

_Qk- Yes, Harley is funny! Yay Harley!_

_Agent-G- Yeah, why do people think that crap is art? You can bet that GA will hit on the girls, I would._

* * *

**Star City-**

A slinky black limo pulled up outside one of Star City's most exclusive hotels. Once the car had stopped, two figures stepped out. Harley and Ivy had arrived!

'Ahh, smell that fresh air!' Harley said as she took a deep breath. 'It's nice to be out of Gotham. No over-grown flying rats for one.'

'Star City doesn't seem all that different to me.' Ivy sniffed. 'I'm going inside.'

Ivy walked inside, leaving Harley standing alone admiring the city.

'Get a load of the view, Red.' Harley said, not realising that she was alone. 'It's a beaut!'

Harley turned around to gauge her friend's reaction.

'Hey Red, where are you?' Harley asked as she spun around, trying to find her friend. 'Red? Don't leave me. I'm alone and frightened...'

* * *

**Later-**

Harley had finally managed to find Ivy and was lying on the bed dressed in a fluffy white bathrobe, eating chocolates.

'This is the life, ain't it, Red?' Harley sighed between mouthfuls of chocolates. 'Expensive chocolates, even more expensive champagne...'

Harley rolled on to her side and say Ivy standing on the balcony, watching the view below.

'Something wrong?' Harley asked as she brought out the champagne and an extra glass.

'I'm missing Gotham I suppose.' Ivy sighed. 'As crazy as it seems.'

'Yeah, that does seem kinda nuts.' Harley replied as she poured some champagne into the glass. 'Bubbly?' She asked as she offered Ivy the glass.

'Thanks.' Ivy said as she took the glass and had a sip. 'I feel kind of out of place here, here you are, going nationwide with your art show and what am I doing? I'm acting like a freeloader, drinking expensive champagne and staying in rooms that I couldn't dream of affording normally.'

'Hey, don't get sappy on me, Red.' Harley said as she put an arm around her friend's shoulders. 'You're my bestest friend. You've helped me out loadsa times, why can't I repay you a little?'

'Thanks Harl.' Ivy sighed as he returned the friendly hug. 'You're a good friend. Infuriating sometimes, but good friend non the less.'

'Y'know, if somebody could see us hugging here right now, they might think that we're together.' Harley said with a cheeky grin.

'Yeah, imagine that.' Ivy replied, trying to hide her disappointment. 'That'll just be silly.'

'Well I'd love to stay here hugging you all day but I have to go check out the gallery, go to see if the décor matches my art. You will come down to see, won't you?'

'Wouldn't miss it for the world.' Ivy replied with a sad smile. 'You go get ready.'

And with that, Harley skipped over to the en-suite and prepared to get ready for her inspection, leaving Ivy in the balcony alone with her thoughts.

* * *

**Star City Gallery, later-**

Harley was strolling along the hall where her art was due to be shown. She shook her head and tutted as she saw the state of the room.

'Nope, take that down, it's crap.' She said to the museum owner.

'But that item has been in the gallery ever since it first opened back in nineteen-ele...'

'I don't care.' Harley replied. 'It'll clash with my work, take it down.'

'As you wish.' The museum owner sighed. He waved over a worker and gave him his instructions.

'Ooh, what's this?' Harley asked as she stopped beside a red metallic container.

'That is a garbage receptacle.' The gallery owner replied. 'You use it to contain garbage.'

'I want them all over the place.' Harley said. 'It gives the place... class.'

'Very well.' The gallery owner sighed once more, growing tired of Harley's nit-picking. 'Is there anything else I can help you with?'

'Yeah, be a doll and grab me a box of donuts, I'm famished.' Harley replied. 'And I don't want none of that organic crap!'

While the gallery owner went to get donuts, Harley continued perusing the gallery. He saw Ivy standing beside display of various plants and shrubs.

'I knew you'd like this, Red.' Harley said. 'I got it brought in especially for you.'

'Really?' Ivy asked. 'There wasn't any need.'

'Aww pish.' Harley shrugged. 'I'm not totally selfish. I'm starting to think of branching into plant life. Heh. _Branching out_ into _plant life_, get it?' She giggled.

'Yes, I get it.' Ivy replied nonchalantly. 'Very funny. Harl, can we go somewhere private? I need to tell you something...'

'Yeah sure, what d'ya need, Red?'

'Well, I know we've been friends for a long time.' Ivy began. 'And I was wondering, y'know, if you wanted to...'

'_Omigod! Look who's here!' _Harley squealed as she saw somebody walk past.

Ivy just groaned inwardly and looked towards who Harley was referring to. She presently had her legs wrapped around the waist of some blonde guy with a neatly trimmed beard.

'Ollie, you old son-of-a-thing! How are ya? You never ring, you never right!'

'Do you two know each other?' Ivy asked, trying to mask her obvious distaste.

'I'd say.' Harley replied as she elbowed the guy in the ribs with a wink. 'Isn't that right, Ollie?'

'Yes, you could say that...' The blonde guy replied. 'Aren't you gonna introduce me to your ravishing young friend?'

'I can introduce myself, well enough, thankyou very much.' Ivy replied bitterly. 'My name is Pamela Isley, most people call me Ivy.'

'Would that be Poison Ivy?' The guy asked.

'Do you know anybody else called Ivy with green skin?'

'I guess not.' Ollie shrugged. 'I'm Oliver Queen, by the way.' He said as he offered Ivy his hand.

'Yeah, charmed.' Ivy replied nonchalantly. 'Harley, I'm just going to wait outside, okay?'

'Yeah, don't miss the beginning of the show.' Harley replied.

'She seemed... nice.' Ollie said as he scratched the back of his neck nervously.

'Don't mind her.' Harley replied. 'She's been acting weird ever since we left Gotham.'

'How's life treating you as honest citizens, by the way?' Ollie asked.

'Better than most.' Harley replied. 'I've got a national tour out of some old tat that I threw together and Ivy tags along wherever I go.'

'And you don't mind her coming along with you?'

'Naah, of course not.' Harley replied. 'Ivy's cool, she's a good friend.'

'She seemed kinda... protective when she saw us together.' Ollie said. 'Don't you think that's kinda unusual?'

'What, Ivy? Naah, of course not. She's like that all the time.' Harley replied. 'She's been like that ever since we robbed our first bank together.'

'Well it's been nice talking to you.' Ollie said as he gave Harley a friendly peck on the cheek. 'I'll have to go, work stuff. Don't be a stranger.'

'Yeah, seeya round.' Harley replied as she gave Ollie a little wave.

* * *

**After the art show-**

Harley's tat had gone down a storm with the Star City art snobs. Not that it mattered to her though; she had tried to look for Ivy during the proceedings but couldn't see hide nor hair of her. She was starting to get worried. What if Batman had followed them from Gotham and carted her back to Arkham? Harley shuddered at the thought and set off in search of her friend.

After a quick search of the most likely places that she could have found Ivy, the only place left was the Star City Botanical Gardens. The Gardens were actually closed for the night but that wasn't a problem for somebody that up until recently was a professional thief.

Harley found Ivy standing next to a Peruvian Sunburst exhibit.

'Geez Red, where you got to?' Harley panted as she walked up to her friend. 'I've been searching all over the place for ya. I thought that Batman had caught ya.'

'I'm sorry I missed your show.' Ivy said quietly as she sniffed the Sunburst blossom. 'I've just been in here, looking at the plants.'

'I don't care about that.' Harley replied. 'I've been worried about ya. You haven't been right since we left Gotham. C'mon, what's up?'

'Promise not to laugh?' Ivy asked.

'You got my word.' Harley replied as she placed a hand on her heart.

'I think I'm in love.' Ivy sighed.

'Oh God, it isn't that bell-boy that was giving ya the eye back at the hotel, was it?'

'No.' Ivy replied. 'It was someone else.'

'That buff construction worker with the pneumatic drill outside the flower shop?'

'No, it's not even a guy.' Ivy replied as she plucked a flower from the exhibit and turned it around in her hands.

'Ohh.' Harley said in realisation. 'Was it that cute little waitress that served us breakfast?'

'No Harley, it wasn't.' Ivy replied. 'It was... you. You're the one that I love...'

Harley blinked a few times in confusion, her jaw hanging open a bit.

'And now you hate me.' Ivy sighed. 'Great going Ivy, now you've gone and freaked out the only friend that you've got.'

'I didn't say that I hated you.' Harley said as she finally managed to find her voice. 'It's quite... charming actually.'

'You're not freaked out about it?' Ivy asked hopefully.

'Now ay.' Harley replied with a playful swat on her friend's arm. 'To tell you the truth, I kinda had a crush on you. I just kept it secret cuz I didn't know if you felt the same way.'

'Does that mean that you're interested?' Ivy asked as she put the flower into Harley's hands. 'In us, I mean.'

'Well yeah.' Harley replied. 'You're a hottie. How can I not be interested in you?'

'This'll be a difficult first step, you know.' Ivy said as she took Harley's hand. 'Not everybody will be pleased.'

'And I should care because...?' Harley replied. 'All I know is that Bats is gonna be freaked when he finds out.'

'I can't wait to see he face when he hears the news.' Ivy replied with a happy grin. 'It'll be priceless.'

'You wanna make the call or shall I?' Harley asked.

'I think it would be best for you to tell him.' Ivy replied. 'It'll sound better coming from you.'

'D'ya think this makes ya my muse now?' Harley asked. 'Y'know, inspiring my art and stuff?'

'I inspire you to throw cocktail sauce at a canvas?' Ivy replied with mock thanks. 'I feel so honoured!'

'Now ya just abusin' sarcasm.' Harley groaned.

TBC...

_Next: The One With The Monkey_

_Harley and Ivy move on to their next destination in the art tour, Jump City. Gee, I wonder who they could meet there?_


	4. The One The Morning After

**

* * *

Harley and Ivy**

**Chapter 4: The One The Morning After**

**BY**

**The Uncanny R-Man**

_**Disclaimer- **I don't own anything, all familiar characters belong to DC._

* * *

**Shout Outs-**

_**Proponent of EVO- **Yeah, I guess so._

_**Shiny94a- **You can bet that Mister J will pop up to spoil everything._

_**Showstopper- **Nice idea for including the guys form _'Truth, Justice, Pizza!'_ but I was planning on keeping this mainstream Titans._

_**Agent-G- **I wasn't sure whether to pair Harley and Ivy up form day one but I guess that decision was popular so I'll keep with it. Can't wait to see if and when you write that fic._

* * *

**Jump City-**

Harley Quinn was sitting in a hot tub on the balcony of their penthouse suite on the top of one of Jump City's most prestigious hotels. She was instructing the owner of the Jump City Art Gallery about the arrangements for her exhibition via her cell phone.

'I don't care how much it costs, I want five dozen red M&M's in a brandy glass in my dressing-room or I won't go on! What do you mean I won't get a dressing-room? Well get me a damn dressing-room or you can forget about the damn exhibition!'

Unseen by Harley, Ivy walked out onto the balcony clad only in a fluffy bathrobe. She walked upto the hot tub and sat on the edge. Not realising this, Harley continued with her phone call.

'And another thing, I want the whole room to be covered with vines and loadsa plant crap. I don't care if it doesn't fit my style of art, just do the damn thing!'

Ivy just shook her head good-naturedly and let the robe fall around her ankles. Harley saw this and blinked a few times in surprise.

'I'll call you back.' She said as she turned off her cell phone.

* * *

**Later-**

Harley's exhibition wasn't due until the next day so she decided to treat Ivy to a romantic dinner. Ivy gladly accepted the offer and went off to get ready.

The pair was presently perusing the menu.

'It would be nice if I could understand what the damn thing said.' Harley muttered as she tried to make sense of the menu.

'That's because we're in a French restaurant.' Ivy replied. 'Don't tell me that you can't speak French.'

'Okay then Red, I won't tell ya.'

'Come here and I'll translate for you.' Ivy said as she took Harley's hand. Harley smiled happily at the close proximity to her friend. Their relationship had gone in leaps and bounds. Okay, they hadn't got _that _far if you catch my drift, they were just at the kissing and holding hands part. Ivy was reluctant at first, given that her kiss was pretty much deadly but it turned out that it didn't work on women, only men.

The pair had almost decided on what to have when the door to the restaurant burst in and a really short guy waltzed in with a bunch of robots.

'Listen quick Slug-Humpers! This is a hold-up so gimmie all your valuables!'

Gizmo gave the signal and his robots went about gathering up valuables.

'Hey Shorty, you do know that it's rude to take what ain't yours, right?' Harley asked.

Gizmo spun to look at Harley.

'Bite me, Snot-Eater!'

Harley picked up a silver platter and brandished it like a discus.

'Geez, your insults suck!' She said as she threw the platter at him. Unfortunately, Gizmo's robots blasted it before it could hit its target.

Unseen by Gizmo or his robots, Ivy crept up to one of the palm trees by the entrance and placed her palm onto it. She had took the liberty of making a small cut in her hand with a knife, the resulting blood mixed with the palm tree and caused it to mutate into a freaky vine monster. Said vines whipped out and destroyed the robots before they could even let off one blast.

'Not to tough without your robots, are you kiddo?' Harley smirked.

'You won't get me, Butt-Munchers!' Gizmo said as he ran towards the kitchen.

'Red, you make sure nobody's hurt and I'll take care of the kid!'

'Right on it.' Ivy said as she went to check up on the other patrons while Harley headed off after Gizmo.

* * *

**The kitchen-**

Harley ran through the doors of the kitchen. Unfortunately, Gizmo was ready with a frying pan. Being such a short ass, all he could manage to do was hit Harley on the knee.

'Ow! Dammit, who uses a frying pan, honestly? You suck!' She hissed as she rubbed her knee.

Gizmo just laughed out loud, not seeing that Harley was about to use him as a football. He let out a squeal as Harley booted him across the kitchen, landing on one of the oven hobs. Gizmo shrieked in pain as the hob burnt his backside. Harley ran up to him with a wooden rolling pin.

_**WHAP!**_

She hit him over the head.

'How much does it take to knock you out?' Harley groaned.

Gizmo picked up a meat cleaver and ran at Harley with it.

'Okay then Chucky, no more Missus-Nice-Clown!'

Harley grabbed a jar of mustard and smashed it over Gizmo's head. Once he was stunned, she grabbed him by the collar and threw him into a walk-in refrigerator. She locked the door and leant against it, trying to catch her breath.

'Whew, thank God that's over.' Harley panted. 'Aww buts, I'm covered in mustard and cream now.'

Harley wiped her finger down her dress and tasted some of the mess.

'Hmm, not bad. Kinda gives me an idea for my next masterpiece.'

* * *

**Later-**

Harley was still covered in mustard and cream when the Teen Titans came to take away a frozen Gizmo. To say that Robin was shocked at the thought of Harley going straight would be an understatement.

While Robin was talking to Harley, Cyborg poked at the frozen Gizmo.

'Geez man, what a waste.'

Raven cocked a curious brow.

'Of food, I mean.' Cyborg added as he indicated the mess. 'I don't wanna be the one to tidy this up.'

'I'm sorry that your night couldn't have gone more smoothly.' Robin said. 'It's usually quiet on a Wednesday.'

'No sweat, Birdy.' Harley replied as she ruffled the Boy Wonder's hair. She then winced and wiped the excess gel down Beast Boy's back.

'Hey, no fair!' The green changeling said in disgust.

'You might wanna cut back on that stuff you put in your hair, Birdy.' Harley groaned.

'I for one think that it is most joyous that you have chosen to join the good guys!' Starfire said a she clapped her hands excitedly. 'Perhaps another day we could partake of braiding manoeuvres on each other's hair and talk about boys.'

'Not that the idea don't sound promising.' Harley replied. 'But I'm not so sure about the last part.'

'What ever do you mean?' Starfire asked innocently.

Robin, Cyborg and Raven got it almost instantly.

'You mean... you and Ivy...?' Robin stammered.

'Yup, we're together!' Harley grinned proudly as she put her arm around Ivy and kissed her on the cheek.

'Good for you.' Raven replied.

Cyborg and Beat Boy just drooled a bit while Starfire still looked confused.

'Well we can't stay here all night.' Harley said. 'I've got an art exhibition tomorrow and I want to get up nice and early tomorrow to go insult the gallery owner. You can be the guests of honour if you want.'

'Oh yes, that would be most joyous!' Starfire said as she grabbed Harley in a huge hug. 'We would love to see you show of art!'

'I can't go if yer crush my ribs, can I?' Harley groaned.

Starfire let go and blushed at her enthusiasm.

'Say hi to Bats for me.' Harley said to Robin as she linked arms with Ivy and walked off. 'Seeya kids! Enjoy your shortass on a stick!'

Once the pair had gone, Robin took out him communicator and set it to call Batman.

'Batman, we've got a situation...'

**TBC...**

* * *

**_Next: The One With The Guy In Blue_**

_Harley and Ivy travel to Metropolis for the next part of their tour. Guest starring: Superman and Batman!_


	5. The One With The Blue Guy

**Harley and Ivy**

**Chapter 5: The One With The Guy In Blue**

**By**

**The Uncanny R-Man**

_**Disclaimer- **I don't own anything, all familiar characters belong to DC._

* * *

**_Shout Outs-_**

_**Drowningthoughs- **Harley and Ivy certainly do kick butt! They're the most butt-kickingest duo ever!_

_**The Drewfus- **Your favourites? Wow, thanks!_

_**Showstopper- **Yeah, I like Gizmo abuse too. I don't know whether you've read it, but in one of my previous fics, I had Wolfsbane kick him in the kidneys and smash his head through a wall. _

_**Agent-G- **You'll see Clark in his civvies, as well as Superman. Bats will only appear in his 'work clothes.' Do you seriously think that he'll want to see Harley again in his civilian identity after what she glomped him, twice, in Gotham?_

* * *

**Metropolis Art Gallery-**

Harley and Ivy were presently inspecting the Metropolis Art Gallery for the upcoming exhibition. They were presently walking hand in hand along one of the gallery corridors.

'Well this is certainly swanky.' Ivy said as she looked around the shiny chrome and plate glass splendour of the gallery. 'You wouldn't get all this in Gotham.'

'I here ya, puddin'.' Harley replied as she gently squeezed her friend's hand. 'Gotham's got that freaky gothic thing goin' on for one.'

'I thought you love living in Gotham.' Ivy said.

'Used to.' Harley replied. 'The rodent problem kinda put a damper on it.'

'Damn straight.' Ivy snickered. 'At least we won't get all that here in Metropolis.'

'Apart from that big blue boy scout.' Ivy replied. 'Although, I can see the pros of that...' She added with a faraway look.

'Okay, I won't have to fight for you, will I?' Ivy replied as she put her hand son her hips in a mock pout. 'Because I'm not big with the butch.'

'Oh, I dunno.' Harley said with a lecherous smile. 'I kinda like the idea of havin' two people fight for my hand.'

'Just your hand?' Ivy replied with an equally lecherous smile as she leant in close

'Now there's the saucy minx that I fell in love with.' Harley said as she leant in also.

They were just about to kiss when somebody cleared their throat behind them. Harley broke away with an _'Eep!'_ and blushed wildly.

'Can we helped you?' A rather peeved Ivy asked at the newcomers. 'We were kind of busy.'

'Lois Lane, Daily Planet. Care to answer a few questions?'

'That depends what you wanna ask us.' Harley replied with a sceptical expression.

'Just a few questions about your... _ahem_... art.' Lois replied.

'Uh yeah, sure.' Harley replied, as she looked at Ms Lane's companion, a rather buff man with slicked back hair and rather nerdy glasses. 'Have we met?'

'Uh, I don't think so...' The guy said. 'Clark Kent, also from the Planet.'

'I'm afraid that any questions will have to wait until after the exhibition.' Ivy replied as she looked at her watch.

'Please, just one question.' Lois said as Harley and Ivy began to walk off.

'Sorry puddin'.' Harley replied. 'We have to go, time waits for not artiste.'

* * *

**Later-**

It was time for the exhibition to begin and Harley was waiting backstage along with Ivy.

'Aww nuts, look at all the people out there.' Harley said as she looked through the curtain. 'You won't get that turnout in Gotham.'

'Ungrateful jerks.' Ivy muttered.

'Wish me luck, puddin'.' Harley said nervously.

Ivy stepped forward and planted a kiss on Harley's lips.

'Break a leg, sweetie.'

Harley stepped out through the curtain and started her introduction.

'Ladies and gentlemen, thanks for the turnout. I'm honoured that all you people bothered to turn up to see the kind of crap that I call art. But before I get to my stuff, I'd like to introduce you to my muse. Here she is ladies and gents, the delectable Ivy!'

The curtains were pulled back to reveal Ivy standing there looking rather embarrassed. She raised her hand uncertainly and gave the audience a little wave.

'You wanna do the honours, puddin'?' Harley asked.

'I am going to kill you when we get back to the hotel.' Ivy hissed, only half seriously. She pulled back the cover on Harley's latest masterpiece to reveal it to the audience. It appeared to be a canvas splattered with some kind of cake. There were crumbs and bits of fruit spread over it in a rudimentary shape of a stick figure giving the two-fingered salute.

'May I present to you, _'Exodus in Cheesecake!'_ First of all, I wanna thank Metropolis Bakery for providing the cheesecake for this piece. Thanks guys, you rule! Any questions?'

As usual, Lois Lane was the first up to ask questions.

'What is it supposed to signify, if anything at all?'

'Well, Lois. As with most of my junk, it doesn't really signify anything.' Harley replied. 'It's just a load of cheesecake splattered on a canvas in the shape of somebody sticking their fingers up.'

'Is it true that you and Ms Isley are together?' Another reporter asked.

'I don't really wanna answer personal questions right now.' Harley replied. 'This is about art, not gossip about my love life.'

'Are you really going legit?' Another reporter asked. 'Is this just a con to get rich quick?'

Harley rolled her eyes at the continuing personal questions.

'Has anybody got any questions that _aren't _about my personal life or whether I'm legit or not?'

An uncomfortable silence fell over the audience. Somebody even cleared their throat and a random cricket chirped, amplifying the uncomfortable hush.

'Right...' Harley said as she scratched the back of her head. 'Um... Enjoy my stuff!'

And with that, she disappeared backstage with Ivy.

* * *

**After the show-**

Even with the lack of worthwhile questions from the press, Harley decided that her art show was a success and decided to take Ivy out for a meal. Unfortunately, they had taken a wrong turning and became lost.

'Well this is a fine turn of events.' Harley muttered. 'Our first night in Metropolis and we get lost. Just wonderful.'

'Do you know what would make the night even more perfect?' Ivy replied, her voice tinged with sarcasm. 'If Batman followed us and was actually watching us.'

'Well you know what they say about being careful what you wish for.' A voice said above them.

Harley and Ivy both cursed in anger and looked above their heads.

'Well, well, well, what brings you here, Bats?' Harley asked, trying to hide her fear with false bravado.

'Two of Gotham's most wanted women fleeing to Metropolis doesn't exactly go unnoticed.' Batman replied.

'Okay, one thing.' Harley replied as she pointed at the Caped Crusader. 'We didn't flee, this is a sponsored art tour and if you disrupt the schedule, you will be violating out contract and I will be forced to take legal action.'

'And how exactly will you do that?' Batman asked. 'It's not like the courts will admit your case.'

'You don't even know who we have as our lawyer, do you?' Ivy snorted. 'A mutual friend of ours. You might know him.'

'Dent.' Batman replied, as emotional as ever.

'Yup, ol' Two-Face is our lawyer.' Harley said with a proud smile. 'Kinda illogical that he'd still be able to practice law, bein' nuts and all.'

Before there was another word of argument, there was a swoosh of a cape and Superman appeared beside them.

'Is there a problem here ladies?'

'I should think so.' Harley replied. 'Your buddy's hasslin' us for just walking down the street. We're being victimised because of our past.'

'Don't mind Batman.' Superman said with a dismissive wave towards the Dark Knight. 'He's suspicious about everybody, even his fellow Justice Leaguers.'

'I bet that he even keeps files on you guys.' Harley snorted.

'I wouldn't be surprised myself.' Superman replied. 'Now, if I could just escort you two ladies to your destination?'

'We're tryin' to look for the Metropolis Plaza.' Harley replied. 'Any idea where it is?'

'I'll do one better.' Superman replied. 'I'll take you there.'

Harley smiled in thanks as Superman took hold of their hands and lifted them off the ground.

'Hold on tight.' He said. 'We don't want one of Gotham's most notorious artists getting splattered across the sidewalk.'

'Even if some art snob would pay millions to buy that kinda thing.' Harley replied with a snort.

**TBC... **

**

* * *

**

_**Next: The one with the monkey** _

_The next stop on Harley and Ivy's tour is Central City. And who should they bump in to? That's right, the Flash!_


	6. The One With the Monkey

**Harley and Ivy**

**Chapter 6: The One With the Monkey**

**By**

**The Uncanny R-Man**

_**Disclaimer- **I don't own anything, all familiar characters belong to DC._

* * *

**_Shout Outs-_**

_**Daryl- **I'm glad you liked this, enjoy the update._

_**Agent-G-** Yeah, I liked Hush too. I love Jim Lee's work, especially his X-Men stuff. I don't remember the Riddler saying that. Damn, I guess I'll have to go back and check that out._

_**The Drewfus-** Sorry, no plans for J'onn I'm afraid, I'm done with guest stars for now._

* * *

**Keystone City-**

The stretch limousine containing Harley and Ivy pulled up outside on of Keystone City's more prestigious hotels. The chauffer stepped out of the car to let the passengers out. Unfortunately, the press had got wind of the arrival of the former villains and were fighting to get a picture of them.

'Geez, make a gal feel claustrophobic, why don'cha?' Harley muttered as she linked her arm in Ivy's and walked into the hotel lobby.

The pair's fame had spread pretty much instantly, not because of the pair's more… illegal work that they once did, it was all because of Harley's paintings, everybody was anxious to see to her every wish in hopes of getting a whopping big tip. One such clinger-on was the hotel manager, her ushered Harley over to the reception desk, cutting past several other couples.

'Fame has its perks, huh Red?' Harley asked her companion.

'Can't say I like all these hangers-on.' Ivy sniffed in reply.

'You just give the word and they're gone puddin'.' Harley replied.

'If you would.' Ivy nodded.

Harley turned to the hotel manager and told him to get lost. The hotel manager just sniffed snootily and slunk away.

'Witch.' He muttered.

Harley glared back at him and snatched up a poodle from a nearby woman. Before she could throw the dog at the hotel manager however, Ivy grabbed her hand, preventing her form doing so.

'Cut that out, we don't do stuff like that anymore, remember?'

Harley just muttered under her breath.

'You know what'll cheer you up.' Ivy said as a cheeky smile spread across her face. 'How about a sensuous massage?'

Harley's eyes lit up and an equally cheeky smile spread on her lips.

'Sounds like a plan puddin'.'

* * *

**Later-**

After unpacking their stuff and the scheduled massage session, Harley and Ivy both decided to explore the city. Harley was rather insistent on visiting the Flash Museum, the museum devoted to the legacy of the city's own scarlet speedster, the Flash!

'C'mon Red, you never get this kinda stuff back home.' Harley said as she flicked through the guidebook.

'That's most probably because Batman's got the whole urban myth thing going on.' Ivy replied. 'The day that Batman opens a museum devoted to him and his annoying sidekicks is the day that monkeys fly.'

As if in reply, a rather large gorilla flew across their heads wearing a jet back.

'Looks like your wish has come true, Red.' Harley replied with a snicker.

Ivy wasn't really listening, as she was more concerned with the army of gorillas that were starting to congregate around them.

'Since when did we get transported into Planet of the Apes?' Harley asked. 'Hopefully it ain't the crappy remake with Mark Wahlberg.'

'Umm Harley, I'm not sure now is the right time to be referencing pop culture.' Ivy replied as she looked around fearfully. 'Perhaps we'd better make a hasty retreat.'

'There is no use running human, you are surrounded.' A deep, evil voice said from behind them. Harley and Ivy turned around and saw the fearsome form of Gorilla Grodd standing there. 'This is an invasion and all humans must be crushed.'

Harley looked at her red-haired companion for help. Ivy just winked in reply and Harley saw why her friend was so confident, while Grodd was busy posturing, Ivy had dug her nails into her hand so hard that she had drew blood, said blood then began to trickle to the ground.

'Do you have any last words?' Grodd asked as he signalled his troops to shoot.

'Just one.' Harley replied. 'Cheese it!'

Grodd and his troops looked around dumbfounded as Harley made a break for it with Ivy fast behind her.

'Get them!' He bellowed.

However, before the gorilla troops could even fire one shot, huge vines burst out form the ground and entangled them in their clutches.

'Bah, fools!' Grodd snorted at the worthlessness of his troops. 'I shall crush them myself!'

* * *

**Several yards away-**

Harley and Ivy ducked into an alley to catch their breath.

'Where the hell's the Flash?' Harley panted. 'This is his city; he should damn well be protecting it. You wouldn't get this crap in Gotham I can tell you.'

'Uhh, Harley…' Ivy replied. 'Less talking, more running.'

Harley spun around and saw Grodd charging before them. She snatched up a garbage lid and swung it at the gorilla with reckless abandon.

'Ha, that could not possibly hurt me!' Grodd snorted. 'I mere garbage lid to the head cannot harm me!'

'Who said I was gonna hit you on the head?' Harley replied as she threw it like a discus, hitting him in the groin.

Grodd let out a bellow of pain and fell to his knees.

'You shall pay for that woman!' He hissed.

Harley was about to reply when she clutched her head with pain.

'I am no mere gorilla.' Grodd said as he tapped his temples. 'I am sure that your brain leaking out of your nose can attest to that.'

'Get your stinking mind powers off her, you damn dirty ape!' The Flash said as he zipped forward and punched Grodd squarely on the chin.

'Curse you Flash!' Grodd bellowed. 'I'll tear out your heart and fashion a crown form you intestines!'

'Ivy, you wanna take care of this?' Flash asked as he turned to the redhead.

Ivy just shrugged and placed her bloody hand onto a nearby weed. Ivy's hybrid blood caused the lowly weed to mutate into more killer vines, which whipped around Grodd and bound him to the wall.

'These plants cannot harm me, I am Grodd!'

'Flash is right, you do talk too much.' Ivy said. 'Perhaps my pet should put you to sleep now.'

Right on call, a pink flower sprouted form the vine, unfurled and sprayed pollen into Grodd's face, knocking him out.'

'And you couldn't just kiss him?' Flash asked curiously. 'It woulda been less fuss.'

'No thankyou.' Ivy replied as she helped Harley up. 'I do have some standards you know. Where were you anyway?'

'Tidal wave in Florida.' Flash replied. 'Got here as fast as I could.'

'Well, thanks anyway.' Ivy replied. 'I'm sure that Harley would thank you as well but she's… rather indisposed at the moment. Perhaps there is someway we could repay you.'

A lecherous smile spread on the Flash's face as he got an idea.

'No, we're not going to make out for you.' Ivy said with a roll of her eyes.

'Aww man…' Flash groaned. 'I guess I'll have to settle for free tickets to your art show, my girlfriend's kinda hoping to go see it.'

'We'll see what we can do.' Ivy replied. 'Shall I make them out to the Flash or…?'

'Just send them to the Keystone Gazette, my girlfriend's a reporter there, she'll know who they're from.'

Ivy just nodded and made a mental note to scrounge up some free tickets.

Once the Flash had bidden them goodbye, something unusual struck Ivy.

'What's up with superheroes having reporter girlfriends?'

**TBC…**

* * *

_**Next: The One With the Bat**_

_With the art tour over, Harley and Ivy head back home to Gotham. First things first though, they have to buy a new home. The house that they do buy seems fine enough except, there's something rather nasty living in the basement._


	7. The One With The Bat

**Harley and Ivy**

**Chapter 7: The One With The Bat**

**By**

**The Uncanny R-Man**

_**Disclaimer- **I don't own anything, all familiar characters belong to DC._

* * *

**_Shout Outs-_**

_**Showstopper- **You're right, what's up with superheroes and reporter girlfriends? Is there some kind of unwritten law? Yup, Man-Bat is the thing in the basement._

_**Daveykins- **Yup, Harley and Ivy are awfully cute together, aren't they?_

_**Agent-G- **So be honest I don't have all that much experience with Grodd in the animated universe, I mostly know him form the comics universe. You can bet that certain people will want to see Harley and Ivy. **CoughJokercough.**_

* * *

**Harley and Ivy's old apartment-**

Harley and Ivy had just arrived home from the last leg of their art tour and looked around their old apartment.

'Y'know puddin', this place looks kinda crappy after all the swanky hotels we stayed in.' Harley sniffed.

'I'll let you know that I bought this apartment all by myself.' Ivy replied, somewhat hurt. 'With clean money might I add.'

'I'm not saying that I don't like it here…' Harley said as she gave her friend a quick hug. 'It's just that… Don't you think it's about time we moved somewhere else? This area isn't all that safe y'know.'

'What part of Gotham is safe?' Ivy replied wryly.

'Touché.' Harley nodded as she threw her suitcase into the bedroom. 'But what do you say we go reacquaint ourselves with the bed, huh?'

Ivy chuckled softly at her friend's lecherous expression.

'You're shameless, you know that?'

'Don't pretend you don't love that, puddin'.' Harley winked as she sauntered into the bedroom. Ivy just shook her head good-naturedly and followed her lover into the bedroom.

* * *

**The next morning-**

After a quick bout of smoochies, Harley convinced Ivy to come house shopping. Most of the houses seemed like complete piles of crap, even those in the more classy parts of the city.

'What is it with houses in Gotham?' Harley thought out loud. 'I swear, it's a conspiracy with the damn realtors and the building contactors.'

'Yes dear, that's exactly the case.' Ivy sighed as she drove up the driveway of their last prospective home.

Harley's eyes lit up as she saw the size of the place.

'Great Zombie Jesus!' **_(1) _**Harley gasped. 'This place is frickin' huge!'

Ivy stopped the car and the pair stepped out and looked up at the foreboding structure.

'Geez, this place looks like something the Addams Family would use as their summer home.' Harley said as she looked at the huge spires on the roof. 'Kinda groovy, in a scary, gothic kinda way…'

'I just hope that it has room for a greenhouse.' Ivy replied. 'Those last few places hardly had enough plant space to swing a Batman.'

'Wishful thinking puddin'.' Harley said as she walked inside.

As the pair walked in, they were met by the realtor people and were shown around. All in all, the place seemed pretty homey, if a little spooky. But that's what you got when you went shopping for houses in Gotham City; it was buy gothic or nothing.

* * *

**Later-**

Harley and Ivy had signed all the necessary paperwork and were moving all their stuff in.

'Nice of our friends to help us.' Harley sniffed as she lugged a heavy case through the door. 'They're nothing but a bunch of lazy schmucks.'

'To be fair, all our friends are nuts and locked up in Arkham.' Ivy replied.

'Buncha frickin' free-loaders if you ask me.' Harley sniffed.

Ivy carried her plants into the large greenhouse out the back and began to arrange them about the room. She had just placed a hybrid rose/Venus flytrap plant beside the window when she heard something scratching inside the room.

'Harley, is that you?' Ivy called, but nobody answered. 'Hunh, must be hearing things.' She shrugged.

* * *

**Later that night- **

Harley and Ivy were lying in bed together. Harley was fast asleep, snoring so loud that it could wake the dead while Ivy was still awake, she kept on hearing the mysterious scratching sound.

'Harley, wake up.' Ivy said as she shook Harley awake. 'I keep on hearing that freaky scratching sound.'

'Hmm, don' wanna go to school today…' Harley murmured.

'Harley, wake up!' Ivy said as she shook Harley a bit more.

'The sea monkeys have my money…' **_(2)_**

Ivy just groaned out loud and flung the sheets from the bed. Harley fidgeted uncomfortably in the cold air.

'Meanie…' Harley muttered as she burrowed her face in the pillow.

'C'mon, I'm going to investigate.' Ivy said as she threw on a robe.

'S'probably nothing.' Harley sniffed as she begrudgingly got up out of bed and threw on her robe. 'Just the trees outside.'

'But there aren't any trees near the house.' Ivy replied. 'The only trees that we have are by the front gate.'

'It had better be something.' Harley growled as she put on some fluffy bunny slippers. 'I was having a dream about you, Batgirl and a vat of strawberry ice-cream.'

'Perverted fantasies can wait, my Spider-Sense is tingling.' Ivy said as she grabbed a torch and walked out of the room.

* * *

**Later-**

Much to Harley's consternation, their search had become pretty unfruitful. That was until the reached the basement.

'Okay, this is getting boring.' Harley sighed as she followed Ivy down the steps. 'I got kinky fantasies to get back to, y'know.'

Ivy just ignored her friend's comments and looked around the basement, illuminating her way with the torch. Then, she suddenly stopped as she stepped in something unpleasant.

'Oh God, what now?' Ivy muttered as she looked at her foot. The sole of her foot was smeared with some kind of brown substance. 'Oh great, I just trod in some guano.'

'Why would we have bat poop in our basement?' Harley asked as she looked at her friend's poop-covered foot. 'You don't think we've got bats, do you?'

'It'll be just our luck.' Ivy sniffed as she scraped the poop off her foot. 'They've most probably got themselves some feathered sidekicks too.'

Ivy looked above her head and shone the torch at the ceiling; there was indeed a small colony of bats nesting on the basement ceiling. That wasn't what freaked her out however; it was the rather large creature that was surrounded by the smaller creatures.

'Don't move…' Ivy hissed. 'He'll be pissed if he wakes up.'

Ivy turned and saw that Harley was armed with a small stick and was poking at the large bat creature.

'Aww, he's so cute!' Harley cooed. 'Cane we keep him? Huh, can we?'

Ivy sighed reluctantly.

'You're cleaning up after him, and you're the one that gets to feed him.'

Harley gave a little squeal of glee and grabbed Ivy in a huge hug.

'Oh wow, thanks Red! You're the coolest! I shall call him Squishie and he shall be my Squishie and Squishie shall love me!' **_(3)_**

Unfortunately, Harley's squeal of joy had awoken the bat creature and it hissed in anger at being woken form its slumber.

'Uh… Nice Squishie?' Harley asked innocently.

**TBC...**

* * *

_**Next: The One With The Clown**_

_You knew that it would be only a matter of time until I got to this, the return of the Joker! 'Nuff said!_

* * *

**_Notes-_**

_**(1)- **Gratuitous Futurama reference. I believe it was Professor Farnswarth that said this._

_**(2)- **Finding Nemo reference. Dory said it while she was sleeping._

_**(3)- **Another Finding Nemo reference. Squishie was the name of the baby jellyfish that Dory found._


	8. The One With The Clown

**Harley and Ivy**

**Chapter 8: The One With The Clown**

**By**

**The Uncanny R-Man**

**Disclaimer- **_I don't own anything, all familiar characters belong to DC._

* * *

**Shout Outs-**

**The Drewfus- **_Yup, Finding Nemo does indeed kick butt!_

**Agent-G- **_Harley and Ivy do indeed have bat problems, don't they? _

* * *

**Harley and Ivy's swanky new house-**

It was breakfast time at Casa De Quinn and our heroines were enjoying their respective meals. Harley was munching away on a bowl of random sugary cereal while Ivy settled with a coffee. Ivy looked up form her coffee as she heard somebody haphazardly guzzling their food. Surprisingly, it wasn't Harley shovelling her cereal down her throat, it was the Man-Bat, or as Harley renamed him, Squishie!

'Squishie, use a knife and form with those moths or don't eat with us at all.' Ivy sighed.

Squishie stopped guzzling his moths and looked over at Harley with a begging expression.

'I'm sorry sweetie, Ivy's the boss.' Harley replied with an apologetic expression.

Squishie sighed reluctantly and struggled to cut up his bowl of moths with a knife and fork.

'See? I told you house-training him would be no problem.' Harley said with a proud smile.

'I still don't see why we can't hand him over to the police or something.' Ivy replied. 'The poor guy's stuck as a bat creature and you give him an embarrassing name. We have to help him.'

'Release him in to the wild you mean?' Harley asked. 'To live free with all the other bat people?'

Ivy just groaned and rubbed the bridge of her nose.

'How ever did you get to become a psychologist?'

* * *

**Later-**

Ivy had to go into the city to go buy some supplies for her horticulture experiments, so that left the mansion all to Harley. She was presently slouched in front of the giant plasma screen. Harley also had a giant bowl of popcorn in her lap and was shovelling handfuls of it into her mouth.

'Mmm, popcorn…' Harley smiled as she shovelled more into her mouth. Then suddenly, she let out a strangled yelp, there was popcorn stuck in her throat!

'Ack! Some beer'll put out that fire…' Harley wheezed as she grabbed her beer and guzzled some. 'Oh yeah, that's the stuff…' She sighed as she patted her chest.

From the direction of the front door, Harley could hear the sound of her doorbell ringing.

'Ooh, mail's here!' Harley squealed as she jumped up off the couch and made her way to the door.

Harley swung open the door and saw a deliveryman holding a rather large parcel.

'Special delivery for Ms Quinn. We got your bulk order of rubber chickens. Sign here…'

Harley took the pen and tried to sign the order form but the pen didn't seem to work.

'Hunh, that's weird.' Harley said as she clicked the pen a few more times. As soon as she put pen to paper again, a jolt of electricity shot through her, knocking her out.

The deliveryman picked up Harley's legs and carried her over to his van.

* * *

**Later-**

Harley slowly came around and found herself tied to a chair in a darkened room.

'Okay Red, this had better not be a kinky joke cuz it ain't funny…'

The colour left Harley's face as she heard insane laughter.

'_Hahahahahahaha!'_

'God no…' Harley groaned.

'Not God, only the Joker!' The Joker replied as he stepped into the light. 'Although sometimes I like to think I'm God. What's the matter Harl, no kiss for your puddin'?'

'Go spit!' Harley hissed.

'You always were a spunky one, Harl.' The Joker said as he sat on Harley's lap. You knew it was only a matter of time before I found you two chicks' little hideaway.'

'What have you done to Ivy, you bastard?' Harley hissed as she struggled against her bonds.

'Oooh, such a potty mouth, you kiss your momma with that mouth?'

Harley just yelled incoherently at him and continued to struggle in her bonds.

'I guess a little lesson in humility is in order.' The Joker said as he hopped off Harley's lap and removed a remote control from his pocket. He pressed a button on it and a large TV screen turned on, showing the front door to the house that Harley shared with Ivy.

'Oh lookie what we got here, it looks like ol' Compost Gal's just about to arrive home.' The Joker said as Ivy stepped out of a taxi. 'I sure hope nothing happens to her, that would be most unfortunate. Hee.'

'You're nuts!' Harley snarled.

'I know you are, but what am I?' The Joker childishly retorted. 'Now, which one was the button to set off the bomb…?'

Harley watched in horror as the Joker pressed a button on the remote and… carnival music played form a nearby stereo.

'Whoopsie, wrong one.' The Joker grinned. 'How sill of me.'

The Joker tried to choose another button, his tongue hanging out in concentration as he decided which button to press.

'Eanie-meanie-minie… mo!'

_BLAMMO!_

The mansion exploded in a ball of flame.

'_NO!'_ Harley screamed. 'You bastard!'

The Joker just laughed insanely.

'Ivy go boom. _Hahahahahaha!_'

Harley's body drooped as she began to sob.

'Aww, there's no need to cry.' The Joker said, suddenly clam again as he turned off the giant TV. 'I know how we can dry those eyes…'

The Joker reached into his jacket and pulled out a flick-knife.

'By cutting them out!' He grinned evilly.

* * *

**The mansion-**

Al that was left of the mansion was a pile of wood and rubble. It had exploded just as Ivy placed one foot inside.

The ground began to rumble as vines started to grow out of the debris. The vines then picked up the larger pieces of debris and moved them away.

'Thank you, my pets.' Ivy coughed as she struggled out of the mess, battered and bloodied. 'Always so alert…'

Once Ivy had got out of the remains of her home she duster herself off and looked around.

'Oh God, where's Harley?' Ivy said as she remembered that her best friend and lover might still be trapped underneath the rubble.

Ivy dropped to her knees and began to scramble through it.

'Harley! Harley, talk to me!' She desperately called.

Ivy stopped scrambling through the debris once she heard the sound of a car pulling up nearby, it was the Batmobile!

'I never thought I'd be so glad to see you!' Ivy said as Batman climbed out. 'You have to help Harley, she's still in there!'

'Don't be too hasty, Ivy.' Batman replied as he held up a piece of purple material. 'Harley has been kidnapped.'

Ivy looked at the piece of purple material and sneered angrily.

'The Joker!'

**TBC…**

* * *

**Next: The One With The Ass-Kicking **

_Ivy joins forces with Batman to rescue Harley from the Joker, 'nuff said._


	9. The One With The Ass Kicking

**Harley and Ivy**

**Chapter 9: The One With The Ass-Kicking**

**By**

**The Uncanny R-Man**

**Disclaimer- **_I don't own anything, all familiar characters belong to DC._

**

* * *

Shout Outs-**

**Daryl- **_Oh yeah, you can bet the Joker will get a whuppin'._

**The Drewfus- **_Hurray for Bats! Woo!_

**Agent-G- **_You're not all that far away for your description of a pre-Joker Harley. She was indeed a cute doctor. As for what the Joker does to Harley, you'll just have to wait and see…_

* * *

**The streets of Gotham-**

The mood inside the Batmobile was a sombre one, not that the mood there was ever known to by a good one. Batman concentrated on the road as Ivy planned how she could best pay the Joker back for hurting Harley.

Ivy was the first one to break the silence.

'Are you going to tell me where the Joker's holed up or are you planning to make me guess?'

'I have several ideas where the Joker may be hiding.' Batman replied. 'My first guess is in the old Wacky Land toy warehouse.'

'You'd better hope that you're right.' Ivy muttered.

'Ivy, I…'

'Save it.' Ivy sighed. 'I don't need your sympathy. It won't get us any further in finding Harley so don't.'

Batman chose to shut up and turned back to driving.

* * *

**Wacky Land Toy Warehouse- **

Harley was still tied to a chair with the Joker standing before her. Harley was a little worse for ware as the Joker had decided to partake in a little bit of torture before he did away with his former side-kick.

'Now, we've already took care of pointy and cold. We've still got hot, and blunt left.' The Joker said. 'Any preferences?'

'Kiss my a…'

'Tut tut, Harl.' The Joker tutted as he placed a hand over Harley's mouth. 'There are women and children present.'

Harley's eyes widened in shock as she saw an obviously dead woman and child lying on the floor towards the other end of the warehouse.

'You're sick!' Harley hissed.

'It always used to turn you on.' The Joker shrugged. 'I guess all that red-hot lesbo action took up all your time, huh?'

Harley snarled and let of a stream of explicit curse words at her ex.

The Joker just sighed and shook his head.

'If you're going to carry on cussing up a storm like that, I'm afraid that I'll have to punish you.'

'Give it your best shot!' Harley hissed. 'You're such a badass that you had to tie me up to stand a chance against me.'

'You women are all the same.' The Joker sighed. 'You never know when to _SHUT THE HELL UP!'_

Harley wasn't even phased one bit as the Joker brandished a flick-knife in front of her face. As a matter of fact, she had an evil grin on her face. Unseen by the Joker, she was carefully cutting away at her ropes with a discarded piece of glass from the pointy section of her torture.

'What's so funny?' The Joker asked.

'You're bleeding.' Harley replied nonchalantly.

The Joker just blinked in confusion.

'I'm not bleeding…'

Harley leapt up out of her chair and dealt the Joker a vicious head butt to his nose, breaking t with a nasty crack and creating a nasty jet of blood to spurt out.

'You are now, _puddin'_.' Harley hissed.

'Oh you are so going to die for that!' The Joker growled as he held his broken nose.

Harley just sneered back at him.

'Let's see how much of a badass you are when your victims aren't tied up, eh _Mistah J?'_

The Joker just charged at Harley with a vicious battle cry. Harley was ready for him and used The Joker's own momentum against him and sent him crashing into a wall.

'Not so tough now are ya?' Harley yelled as she savagely kicked the Joker in the ribs. 'Huh? You gonna answer me or what? C'mon! Be a big man and hit me back!'

Harley went to kick the Joker in the ribs again but he stabbed her in the leg with his flick-knife. Harley let out a yell of pain and the Joker leapt on her and grabbed her around the throat, throttling the life out of her.

'Not so cocky now, are we Harley?' The Joker taunted. 'C'mon Little Miss Big-Shot, get out of this one!'

'Well you did ask.' Harley gurgled.

The Joker's eyes shot wide open as Harley gave him a swift kick to the groin.

'Ooh! That's not fair!' The Joker winced. 'Low blow. But that won't stop me form using… this!'

The Joker whipped out a gun and pointed it at Harley.

He never got a chance to use it however as something burst form the ground below him.

'Get the Hell away form her!' Ivy yelled.

'Don't you people ever stay dead?' The Joker sighed. 'Oh well, more people to kill I guess.'

'Not today, Joker!'

'Aww fer crying out loud!' The Joker groaned. 'Not the flying rat as well!'

'The one and the same.' Batman replied.

'I guess this makes it a hat-trick.' The Joker snickered.

Harley noticed the Joker put a hand under his jacket to reach for something. She dived for the Joker's discarded gun.

'Don't even think of it!' Harley bellowed as she pointed the gun at the Joker.

'I was only gonna grab my hankie.' The Joker replied. 'My nose is bleeding quite a lot you know.'

As if to show his point, the Joker pulled out a knotted a white handkerchief. That was tied to a yellow one, and a blue one, and a red one...

Finally, the Joker got to the end of his hankie chain. At the end of the chain was… a grenade!

'Wanna see who's fastest?' The Joker asked. 'Me pulling out the pin, Batsy here, the bullet or Plant Gal's li'l pets?'

_BLAM!_

The Joker let out a scream of pain as Harley shot him in the knee, making him drop the grenade, which landed harmlessly on the floor.

'I guess that answered your question.' Harley replied as she threw the gun away. 'I'm through with you Joker. If you ever hurt my friends again, the next bullet will be in your brain, we clear?'

The Joker didn't reply, as he was too busy cradling his bloody knee.

'Owie, owie, owie!'

'There was no need to resort to deadly force.' Batman said as he cuffed the Joker. 'There were other ways to disarm him.'

'Oh spare us the crap, Batman.' Ivy groaned. 'The cops use deadly force every day and I don't see you bothering them. Are you going to take us in now?'

Batman sighed reluctantly and shook his head.

'No, you're free to go.' He replied. 'Don't make a habit of this.'

'Don't worry, we won't.' Harley replied. 'I'd be glad if I didn't ever see your face again after this.'

Something then clicked in Batman's memory.

'Superman told me to give you this.' He said as he held out a card.

'Oh, so you're taking orders form the Big Blue now?' Haley snorted. 'That's not your style.'

'Harley, it's an invitation to join the Justice League.' Ivy said as she looked at the card.

'Say what?' Harley replied. 'You can't be serious!'

Ivy just passed Harley the card so she could look it over.

'Holy crap!' Harley gasped. 'You're serious!'

'We could use somewhere to stay until the mansion is rebuilt.' Ivy said. 'I say we go for it.'

'Meh, what the Hell?' Harley shrugged. 'We should be safe form the freaks like him for a while.'

'Did you mean the Joker or Batman?' Ivy asked.

'Both.' Harley replied.

**TBC…**

* * *

**Next: The One With The Justice League.**

_Harley and Ivy stay at the Justice League Watchtower until their mansion is rebuilt. Will they get on well with Wonder Woman, Green Lantern and co? You'll just have to wait and see…_


	10. The One With the Justice League

**Harley and Ivy**

**Chapter 10: The One With the Justice League**

**By**

**The Uncanny R-Man**

**Disclaimer- **_All familiar characters belong to DC._

* * *

**Shout Outs-**

**Showstopper- **_Oh yeah, there'll be lots of wackiness with Harley and Ivy in the Justice League._

**The Drewfus- **_Mwahahaaa! Funny you should mention Harley's hyenas, they're gonna make an appearance in this chapter._

**Agent-G- **_I've edited the chapter so explain how Harley was able to escape, she used a shard of glass to cut her ropes. _

**Thanks to- **_Daryl, Proponent of EVO._

* * *

**Justice League Watchtower-**

The Flash and Firestorm were walking through the corridors of the Justice League Watchtower. They stopped as they reached the view port that over-looked Ivy's botanic garden. The former villain had it built in soon after she and Harley joined.

'Man, I still can't believe Bats let Harley and Ivy join up.' Firestorm said. 'He must have been punched in the head too many times.'

'Supes was the one that sponsored them for membership actually.' The Flash replied. 'And I've gotta say, he's sure got good taste.'

'Oh yeah.' Firestorm nodded. 'They're so hot, they're smoking!'

Flash's eyes widened in surprise as he saw what Ivy was doing below them.

'Holy crap man, look at that!'

Firestorm looked where Flash indicated and his jaw fell open.

'Is she…?'

'Oh yeah, she's bathing in the stream.' Flash nodded.

'If only we had a camera…' Firestorm said.

'Got one!' Flash said as he held a camera in his hands.

'Then snap away man, this is the only chance we're gonna get.'

Flash did as hew as told and began to take pictures of a naked Ivy bathing in the small stream that ran through her botanical garden.

'What's the what, guys?' Green Arrow asked as he walked up behind the pair. 'What's so interesting about a bunch of plants and a hot redhead bathing naked in a stream?'

Green Arrow blinked a few times as he realised what he said.

'Waitasec, a hot redhead bathing naked in a stream? That's Poison Ivy, isn't it?'

'Oh yeah…' Firestorm nodded, not even turning away from the view.

'She's gonna be pissed once she finds out.' Green Arrow said.

'I don't see you turning away, GA.' Flash replied.

'Well this is a once in a lifetime thing.' Green Arrow replied. 'You have got film in that camera, right?'

'Uh-huh.' Flash nodded as he continued to snap away.

'Anyway, why aren't you hitting on Canary?' Firestorm asked. 'You guys are damn near inseparable.'

'I left her talking with Hawkgirl.' Green Arrow replied. 'Chick stuff.'

'Oh right.' Firestorm nodded. 'Hey, where's Ivy gone?'

Flash let out a yell of surprise as he saw a rather peeved Ivy looking at them from the other side of the view port. She had riode up on a giant lily pad and stood eye-to-eye with the trio. Ivy had also covered herself up with her namesake plant, making a makeshift dress.

'Crap! She's on to us!' Flash yelped.

'Cheese it!' Firestorm said as he flew away with the Scarlet Speedster hot on his heels. That only left Green Arrow.

The Emerald Archer gulped nervously as he backed away and bumped into somebody.

'Enjoying the view, Ollie?' Black Canary asked, her hands on her hips and a peeved expression on her face.

'Now Pretty Bird, I can explain…' Green Arrow said. 'It's like this…'

Black Canary just narrowed her eyes.

'We can talk about this in the briefing room.' Black Canary said as she grabbed Green Arrow by the scruff of his neck and dragged him away.

'Help meee…' Ollie squeaked.

Ivy just laughed to herself and rode down to the ground, that would teach them to lech on her…

* * *

**Later-**

Ivy had finished in her garden and was on her way to meet with Harley. Harley said that she had something urgent to tell her. Ivy wasn't sure what that was though but she would soon have to find out.

All she did know was that Harley had something to see to at Gotham Zoo. Ivy was okay with what ever Harley wanted, just as long as it didn't involve her damn hyenas.

Ivy stopped in her tracks as she thought that over, why else would Harley be going to the zoo than to get her pet hyenas?

Ivy shuddered at the thought and continued on her way to the kitchen.

'Heads up Red!'

Ivy spun around just in time to be knocked to the floor by two furry piles of drool and muscle; it was Harley's pet hyenas alright!

'Aww, look at that.' Harley cooed. 'The darlings like you.'

'Yeah, it's beautiful.' Ivy grimaced as she held one hyena's head at bay, trying to stop it drooling on her. 'Do you mind? I just washed.'

'C'mon babies, leave Auntie Ivy alone for a sec, huh?' Harley cooed.

With a quick tug of their lease, the hyenas backed away obediently.

'Batman's going to be pissed once he finds out that you busted these two out of the zoo.' Ivy said. 'What happened to going straight?'

'Oh, I didn't bust 'em out, puddin'.' Harley replied. 'I got Supes to arrange a release for my two babies.'

Ivy then noticed something around the hyenas' necks.

'Is that Wonder Woman's golden lasso?'

'Um, no…?' Harley replied.

'Harley…' Ivy said sternly.

'Okay, okay, I'll give it back.' Harley sighed. 'Sheesh, excuse me for exercising my pets.'

* * *

**Later still-**

Harley had stashed her hyenas somewhere safe and was in the kitchen fixing up a sandwich.

'Mmm, peanut butter and roast beef…' Harley said as she licked her lips and held the sandwich up to her mouth. She didn't get to take a bite however as Superman and Booster Gold walked in.

'I am so hungry I could eat an army of Bizarros.' Superman said as he rubbed his stomach.

'Now there's something I'd like to see.' Captain Atom snickered.

'Hey, who's been eating my peanut butter?' Superman asked as he held up an empty jar. 'I labelled it clearly enough. _Property of Superman, hands off_, is that too hard to understand?'

'Aww man, somebody's eaten my roast beef.' Booster groaned. 'This sucks!'

Superman spun around as he heard a plate spinning on the table, Harley had made a hasty retreat.

* * *

**Elsewhere- **

Ivy was walking along near the living quarters when she heard a commotion coming form Supergirl's room.

'Give it you flea-bitten mongrels! Don't make me go Kryptonian on your butts!'

Ivy popped her head around the door and saw Supergirl in a tug-of-war battle with Harley's hyenas. Supergirl was trying to wrestle away her cape from them.

'Give it! Give it! Give it!' Supergirl hissed as she gave her cape one last yank.

Ivy winced as she heard a rip and Supergirl held up the remains of her cape.

'_Harley!'_ Supergirl yelled.

Ivy backed away cautiously, perhaps it was time to move back down to Earth…

**TBC…**

* * *

**Next: The One With the Temple of Doom**

_Harley and Ivy go treasure hunting and run into one of Batman's oldest enemies, Ra's Al Ghul!_


	11. The One Without the Knights Who Say Ni

**Harley and Ivy**

**Chapter 11: The One Without the Knights Who Say Ni**

**By**

**The Uncanny R-Man**

**Disclaimer-**_All familiar characters belong to DC._

* * *

**Shout Outs-**

**Iron Jawed Angel- **_I'm glad you liked this, it's always a pleasure to receive new readers. Enjoy the new chapter._

**The Drewfus- **Why gulp? _It's only Ra's Al Ghul.It's not as if he's overly scary, like the Joker or Scarecrow._

**Agent-G- **_Yeah, it was only a matter of time until I brought in Harley's hyenas. Just think of all the comic possibilities. Heh. Plus, gratuitous nudity from Ivy, always good for a quick laugh._

* * *

**Quote of the day- **_'I bent my Wookie…' _**Ralph Wiggum (The Simpsons)****

* * *

Justice League Watchtower-**

Harley and Ivy were sitting in the briefing room while Superman was holding court. They were also joined by Supergirl, Big Barda and Zatanna.

'Batman asked me to hold this briefing because he is busy elsewhere.' The Man of Steel explained. 'Which is quite ironic seeing how territorial he is over his rogues.'

'Heh. Batsy doesn't like you guys poaching his baddies, huh?' Harley chuckled.

'That's why you two were assigned to this team.' Superman explained. 'It would sooth Batman's ego at the same time.'

'Wouldn't it piss him off even more?' Ivy asked. 'You know, having two former enemies taking care of this mission?'

'Some of us are far more trusting that the Dark Knight.' Superman replied. 'But just to make sure you two don't get up to anything, Supergirl, Barda and Zatanna have been assigned to join you.'

'So, who's this big bad you want us to fight?' Supergirl asked. 'Killer Croc? Scarecrow? The Penguin?'

'Ra's Al Ghul.' Superman replied simply.

Supergirl's face fell at that. Ra's Al Ghul was one of Batman's most fearsome rogues and going up against him was no laughing matter.

'Batman reported that Ra's is on the trail of the Holy Grail.' Superman continued. 'For those of you that don't know, the Holy Grail is…'

'The cup that Christ's blood fell into when his side was pierced by a spear when he was on the cross. It's supposed to grant whoever drinks from it immortality.' Harley replied, admiring her nails nonchalantly.

Everybody looked at Harley in bewilderment; they could hardly believe she just said that.

'What?' Harley asked innocently. 'I've seen _Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade_ too.'

'I was thinking the Monty Python film myself.' Barda added.

Everybody stared at the former female Fury, hardly believing their ears. Barda wasn't well known for her sense of humour.

'So what you're saying you want us to do is get this Holy Grail before Ra's does, right?' Ivy asked. 'Why would a guy with an already abundant source of immortality want with the Grail anyway?'

'Perhaps he has an unusual taste in dinnerware.' Zatanna suggested.

* * *

**The skies above Egypt, a short time later-**

Ivy was piloting one of the Justice League's Javelins across the Egyptian skies. Ever since she and Harley had been granted honorary Leaguer status, Ivy had been trained in use of the League's hi-tech jet planes by several of her newfound teammates.

'How do we even know this Grail thingy is in Egypt anyway?' Supergirl asked. 'If it really is in Alexandretta, like the movie says, why hasn't somebody dug it up before now?'

'Who knows?' Zatanna replied. 'Perhaps all those task things in the film deterred everybody. Is it really worth risking your life for a gaudily-decorated goblet.'

'But in the movie, the Grail was just a plain old thing.' Supergirl said. 'Not really something you'd think once contained the blood of Christ.'

'Well I don't care whatever this Grail looks like.' Barda said. 'All I care about is the fact that we defeat Ra's Al Ghul.'

'Ever the warrior, eh B?' Harley asked, patting the statuesque warrior woman on the shoulder.

Barda just shot her with a glare, making Harley quickly move away.

'Geez, you got that Batman glare down perfectly.' Harley sniffed. 'You been taking lessons?'

* * *

**Cairo-**

Harley, Ivy and their Leaguer teammates were disguised as locals while they searched for a building where Ra's Al Ghul was most likely to be holed up. With a man as wealthy as he, Ra's was most probably holed up in some palatial palace somewhere. So that's where they were heading, towards the more exclusive part of Cairo, where the wealthy lived.

The team dived into an alley when they saw a muscle-bound figure who may just have been Ubu, Ra's' bodyguard.

'That's got to be Ubu.' Ivy said. 'There's no doubt about it.'

'So what do we do now, puddin'?' Harley asked. 'Rush him and steal the keys to the mansion?'

'No, we have to stay stealthy.' Ivy replied. 'Let's follow him.'

The others merely nodded and followed Ivy silently. For a former villain, Ivy sure was getting into the leading gig very well.

The team quietly followed Ubu and stopped once he entered a very large mansion.

'Now what?' Supergirl asked. 'Just charge in there, guns blazing?'

'I think I have a solution to that…' Zatanna grinned. 'Ecitsuj eugael elbisivni.'

Harley shuddered slightly as she felt a tingle run through her body.

'What did you just do?'

'Invisibility spell.' Zatanna replied. 'We're hidden form the sight from those that would wish us harm.'

'Right on.' Harley grinned, giving her teammate two thumbs up. 'Now let's go kick some immortal butt!'

* * *

**Inside the mansion-**

With Zatanna's invisibility spell masking their presence, the team was able to sneak into the mansion undetected.

Ivy was in the lead as the Leaguers searched the mansion for the Grail's whereabouts.

'My Spider-Sense is tingling.' Harley whispered. 'Something doesn't feel right. Something's gonna go wrong, I just know it.'

'Oh great, now you've gone and jinxed it.' Supergirl muttered. 'Something is definitely going to go wrong now that you've said that.'

'I never took you for the superstitious type, Kara.' Zatanna added. 'Or is it that you've been watching too much TV?'

'It's not that.' Supergirl replied. 'It's just that in my experience, something always goes wrong when somebody says that everything's going too smoothly.'

'There's nothing to be afraid of.' Barda added. 'The spell is keeping us hidden so we will be out of here soon enough.'

'I wouldn't be so sure of that.' A voice said form behind them.

The Leaguers spun around to see Ra's Al Ghul standing their flanked by a veritable army of guards.

'Did you seriously think I did not have any preparations for you arrival?' Ra's asked. 'You five are certainly not the Detective.'

'Yeah, we're _way_ more attractive to start off.' Harley replied.

'What do you want with the Grail anyway, Ra's?' Ivy asked. 'You're already immortal. You haven't got any need for the Grail.'

'That may be true.' Ra's nodded. 'But you may know that I am also an admirer of fine antiquities. The Sword Excalibur, the Ark of the Covenant, I live to own them all.'

'So you just like collecting tat then.' Supergirl said with a roll of her eyes. 'Big revelation.'

'You however are no use to me.' Ra's sniffed as he turned to his guards. 'Dispose of them.'

The guards obeyed as they advanced on the heroes, swords bared.

'Do these guys really think they have any chance against us?' Harley snorted. 'They bring swords to a super power fight, how lame is that?'

'Just shut up and hit them.' Ivy replied. 'Hit them a lot.'

'Now this is my kind of mission.' Barda grinned as she piled into the guards.

'I told you something would go wrong.' Supergirl said as she threw a guard across the room. 'What did I tell you?'

'Okay, you were right.' Zatanna sighed as she kicked a guard in the face. 'My spell wasn't perfect.'

* * *

**Elsewhere-**

Ra's Al Ghul was making his getaway with the Holy Grail in his hand. He could live with the inevitable destruction of his mansion but losing the Grail just wouldn't do. He was about to board his private helicopter when the unconscious body of Ubu, his personal bodyguard, came crashing through the roof below him. Then the Leaguers came flooding out.

'Nuh-uh, not so fast Ra's.' Harley said. 'We can't let you get away with the Grail.'

Ra's just ignored her and leapt into his helicopter as it took off.

'I've got it!' Supergirl said as she flew up after the helicopter. Unfortunately, the helicopter was heavily armed and opened fire on the young superhero. Supergirl merely shrugged the gunfire off and flew after the helicopter.

Supergirl grabbed onto the helicopter and punched a hole in the side.

'Heeeeere's Kara!' She said as she poked her head inside. Much to her amazement, everybody had somehow disappeared. All that was left were the grail and a ticking bomb.

Supergirl zipped away, barely in time to avoid the explosion.

Harley and the others came running as they saw the helicopter explode and Supergirl fall to the ground.

'_Kara!' _Zatanna yelled. 'Are you okay?'

'Never felt better.' A singed Supergirl wheezed. 'Ra's got away. He must have teleported away just before the helicopter exploded.'

'What about the Grail?' Ivy asked.

'Grabbed it just in time.' Supergirl replied as she held up said relic. 'Yet another piece of tat to go in the trophy room.'

'Well this has been an eventful mission.' Barda sniffed.

'Yeah.' Harley replied. 'The next time Batsy wants us to take care of one of his rogues, he can do it his damn self.'

**TBC…**

* * *

**Next: The One Where Everything Ends**

_Exactly what it says on the tin, everything comes to a close. Finito. Kaput. C'est finit. The last chapter. _


	12. The One Where Everything Ends

**Harley and Ivy**

**Chapter 12: The One Where Everything Ends**

**By**

**The Uncanny R-Man**

**Disclaimer- **_All familiar characters belong to DC._

* * *

**Shout Outs-**

**Firestorm13- **_Yup, this is indeed the last chapter. Sorry, I just thought that the story had reached a point where it would be bets to end it instead of carrying it on with more half-assed ideas. _

**The Drewfus- **_That was a good explanation why Ra's wanted the Grail. I don't know why I didn't think of it. Thanks._

**Agent-G- **_Yes, tat is indeed a British slang term. It means an item of useless rubbish. _

**Daryl- **_I'm glad you liked this. I'll be sorry to see this story go too. I had a lot of good times writing it. You never know, I might even come up with a sequel some time in the future._

* * *

**Author's notes- **_Seeing that this story is coming to a close, I'd like to thank every one of you for taking your time to read and review. I know my grammar is somewhat… crappy but you still read on regardless. I wish to thank everybody for such kind words in their reviews. Thank you._

* * *

**Quote of the day- **_'Th-th-th-th-that's all folks! - _**Porky Pig**

* * *

**Justice League Watchtower-**

It was quite a sombre mood in the Justice League Watchtower as two of the team's members were retiring. Harley and Ivy had grown tired of the hero business and had decided to retire. Their mansion was due to be finished getting rebuilt any time soon anyway.

'We'll all be sad to see you leave.' Supergirl said as she gave Harley a hug. 'You guys made every mission special.'

'Thanks, Kara.' Harley smiled. 'Feel free to visit us at Chez Quinn anytime you want.'

'I'll take you up on that.' Kara nodded. 'That's if I'm not too busy saving the world and junk.'

Next to Harley, Ivy was talking to Barda.

'I do not wish to impose.' Barda said.

'Impose nothing.' Ivy replied. 'If you and Scott need a little romantic getaway, Harley and I would be perfectly happy to lend you our Florida beach house. Just watch out for swamp things living in the bayous, okay?'

'I thought Swamp Thing lived in Louisiana.' Harley butted in.

'You don't really believe in that old urban legend, do you?' Ivy asked.

'Don't _you?_' Harley replied. 'A real living plant elemental. Ain't that your kind of thing?'

'It's just an urban myth cooked up by the Louisiana tourist board to get more tourists.' Ivy sighed.

'I never figured you for the cynical type, Red.' Harley snickered.

Ivy just shrugged in reply and looked up as she saw Zatanna walk over to them.

'Hey Zee, what's up?' Ivy asked.

'I just wanted to give you a housewarming gift.' Zatanna replied as she took off her top hat and waved a hand over it. _'Tibbar raeppa.'_

Ivy watched in curiosity as Zatanna pulled a rabbit out of her hat.

'Aww, that's so cute! Thanks!' Ivy grinned happily. 'Isn't it, Harley? Harley…?'

Ivy looked over at her partner.

'Harley, are you okay?'

'I-I'm fine.' Harley replied, not even catching her partner's eye. 'I-it's just…'

'You're scared of rabbits, aren't you?' Ivy asked, slightly amused at the thought.

'No…' Harley lied.

Ivy held up the rabbit and pointed it at Harley.

Harley let out a squeak and jumped away.

'_Gah! _Get it away!' Harley shrieked.

Ivy handed the rabbit back to Zatanna.

'The thought's a wonderful one, but I'm afraid that we can't accept.' Ivy explained apologetically. 'I'm not sure that the rabbit will get on very well with the hyenas.'

'Fair enough.' Zatanna nodded as she placed the rabbit back in her hat wand waved her hand. _'Tibbar raeppasid.'_

Zatanna placed her top hat back on her head.

'I guess I could always buy you guys a nice pot plant or some expensive champagne.' She said.

'Champagne's good, thanks.' Ivy nodded.

Zatanna waved her hands over a nearby table.

'_Nongigrep Mod.'_

Ivy's eyes lit up as a magnum of Dom Perignon appeared on the table.'

'Oh, now that's more like it.' She grinned, 'Dom Perignon will do nicely. Thank you very much.'

Ivy placed a friendly kiss on Zatanna's cheek, eliciting a blush from the magician.

'Whoa.' Zatanna blinked, trying desperately to hide her embarrassment. 'I've never been kissed by another woman before. Well, there was that time in college…'

'It was just a friendly thank you kiss, Zee.' Ivy replied.

'I knew that…' Zatanna replied, her eyes darting about nervously. 'I-I have to go now… Good luck with your… house.'

'Looks like you got a new addition to your harem, puddin'.' Harley giggled. 'Mind if I share?'

'I'm calling her.' Ivy replied as she stuck her tongue immaturely. 'So there.'

'I've got first dibs on Kara then.' Harley said with a big grin.

'_Harley!'_ Ivy hissed. 'She's barely eighteen!'

'Okay, what about… Wonder Woman?' Harley asked.

'You just want to use her golden lasso again.' Ivy sniffed.

'And what if I do?' Harley asked coyly.

Ivy tried to come up with an answer but couldn't think of anything.

The pair was so immersed in their conversation that they didn't even see a shadowed figure walk up beside them.

'Harley, Ivy…'

Harley and Ivy both let out identical yelps of surprise as they almost jumped out of their skins.

'_Gah!_ Batman!' Harley panted as she put her hand on her chest. 'You almost gave me a heart attack! What do you want anyway?'

'I wanted to wish you luck for your retirement.' Batman said, as stoic as ever.

'Really?' Harley asked sceptically.

'Yes, really.' Batman replied.

'_Really,_ really?' Harley asked.

'_Really_, really.' Batman nodded.

Harley let out a squeal and grabbed Batman in a huge hug.

'Oh Brucie, you are _sooo_ cute!'

A hush fell over the other Justice Leaguers stopped what they were doing and looked at the pair.

'Uh-oh.' Blue Beetle winced. 'She hugging him.'

'I say we run.' Green Arrow replied. 'Fast.'

'Neptune's beard!' Aquaman paled. 'He'll blow his top for sure!'

'Betcha twenty bucks somebody ends up thrown through a buffet table.' Elongated Man snickered.

'Betcha twenty-five.' Hawkgirl countered.

'I like cookies.' J'onn J'onzz added.

'Harley… you're hugging me.' Batman said simply.

Harley leapt back and held her arms up in defence.

'Not the face! Anything but the face! I'm too pretty to die…'

'Harley, I think it's time we got you to bed.' Ivy whispered.

'Are you trying to seduce me, Ms. Isley?' Harley smirked.

'No, you're drunk.' Ivy replied. 'I want to get you home before you make an even bigger ass of yourself.'

'You're my best friend…' Harley slurred drunkenly as she leant on Ivy's shoulder. 'I love you…'

'I love you too, Harl.' Ivy replied as she helped her partner towards the teleporters.

* * *

**Chez Quinn, several months later-**

It was nearing Christmas time in Gotham City as Harley and Ivy snuggled in front of a roaring log fire. Bud and Lou, Harley's two hyenas, were snoring peacefully at their mistress' feet.

Harley and Ivy had been surviving comfortably on the cash that Harley had earned with her short-lived art career. Even though Harley's art career was short, it earned her a bundle of cash. Which kind of helped with rebuilding their mansion after the Joker blew it up.

Harley sighed happily as she lay her head on Ivy's shoulder.

'What do you want for Christmas, Red?' Harley asked, gazing up at her partner.

'I don't want anything but you, Harl.' Ivy replied, gazing lovingly back at her.

'Aww c'mon.' Harley pouted. 'You must want something nice for Christmas. How about some nice new plants? We still have enough cash left over from my art tour to buy you a rare plant or somethin' from Gotham Botanical Gardens.'

'There is one thing…' Ivy said as she got a faraway look on her face.

'What is it, puddin'?' Harley asked as she sat up and looked Ivy straight in the eye.

Ivy's faraway look turned to a cheeky smile.

'Remember that conversation we had a while back about Zatanna?' Ivy asked.

'What? You hittin' on her?' Harley replied. 'What of it?'

'I was thinking we could invite her and Kara over for a girls' night in…'

An evil smile spread on Harley's face to match Ivy's.

'Good idea, puddin'.' She chuckled. 'I'll get the chocolate sauce an' whipped cream…'

**END…**

* * *

_Okay, that's it I'm afraid. This story has finished. I hope you all enjoyed reading it as much as I did writing it. If I find the time and inspiration I might even write a sequel. Thank you all very much for reading and reviewing. See you in the funny pages!_


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